Consistency Counts.

Many online commentators have spent the past few days arguing against America's death penalty, because you have questions of guilt and innocence in some cases. They cite this execution as an example.

Nobody much has mentioned this execution, in their arguments though. I wish they would.

Let us know that you've indeed grappled with that fact that many killers, who we are convinced were guilty, deserve to live out their lives in prison because it's consistent with your call against the death penalty.

Catholics have done that, I know, and I'm sure there are others. Those who understand that, despite what many victims' families want: black and white, it's better for the nation as a whole not to be executing anyone. Period.

You might argue that way for moral, religious, or other reasonable reasons. But let us know, indeed, you understand the big picture: that just as a moratorium on state-sanctioned killings might let innocent men live, it might let guilty men live too.

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Another area that is very puzzling to me, is why the mainstream media continues to hype the suicides of teens that allegedly were "bullied to death."

Life is Hard.
Bad Things Happen.
Suicide is Death.
Don't Kill Yourself.

Those are four, easy, three-word slogans that to me, are much much more effective than "It Gets Better". Maybe, maybe not.

Something tells me, publicizing every child crying out for attention, who chooses to kill himself or herself, is going to spur more self killings...

That's why, despite the way communities often come together after a death, especially a child's death, it bears repeating: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never kill me.

Dan Savage appears to think he and his campaign can magically stamp out bullying in schools and off-school properties across the nation. Nice try, but something tells me, it will never happen.

Instead of painting all gay kids as weak victims -- unintentionally or not, that seems to be what's happening -- how about acknowledging, like many loving people and churches do, that suicide is NOT the answer. Put the empowerment in the hands of those who most need it: the victimized, not the bullies.

Look, it might be tough, in plenty of places, to be "out" as a teen, focusing your whole identity on your sexuality. That's why, many of us think children should be protected. Their messages of encouragement and self-love, no matter how appealing or convincing, should not be included in any online campaign. Don't post them, period.

Our laws, and most online contests or campaigns, draw a distinction between youth and adults. Leave the kids out of it: they're still growing, and learning, and truth be told: they should be focusing on their educations, which go far far beyond whom they might choose to sleep with when they grow up and are mature adults.

Don't bring that into the classroom, period.

I really have problems with Dan Savage saying this is an anti-bullying campaign. Don't believe him. He's the one, afterall, who totally understands the power of words, and bullying, who has invoked another, less mainstream-publicized campaign, to use the power of words to bully politician Rick Santorum.

It's about consistency. Please, don't pretend you're anti-bullying, when really, you seem to be about pushing a pro-gay agenda, no matter who is hurt in the end. You're using these children, and trust me, there's another copycat out there, seeing how this young man "made it big" -- he showed all of them, eh? -- and got his name and pictures splashed on the nightly news (NBC) and this morning on CBS, where Mr. Savage, conveniently, put his face forward to publicize his work.

Remember, this is the same man who started his gay advice columns with "Hey Faggot..." just a few short years ago. So which is it then? Are words so powerful and harmful they need to be policed? Or would we be better off teaching youngsters how to remain resilient -- the age-old "sticks and stones" message -- and to respect life enough, no matter how down they get?

I vote for the latter. It's not that parents, teachers, role models and community members should allow bullying. It's just -- something tells me, you'll never ever ever stamp out that form of namecalling, especially in youth and teens. It's a way of figuring out who they are, and sadly, poking at others with words is a rite of passage. Fat kids, kids who are too black (or too white -- yes, it happens!), skinny kids (happens too!), kids who are too dumb (or too smart! again...)

Highlighting someone's "sexual orientation" is just one category of many, and unless you believe gay kids are somehow weaker, or the words they face are worse than what the fat kids faced (ever read Blume's Blubber?), then why not work to empower them? Don't Kill Yourself. No Matter What.

That would be a message worth publicizing, no? And perhaps Dan Savage could take down his own dirty-words bullying, that he's effectively employing against his "enemy" online...

He'd be consistent at least. I don't blame him for the deaths of these young people, anymore than I blame those kids who didn't know the power of their words. They're kids afterall. Savage is an adult, though an obviously immature one at that.

Happened to me too. I used a screenname when I first got my computer and was chatting in the online chat rooms, that later turned up as a pejorative in the Urban Dictionary. My surname was used as a fictional name in one of those Onion stories, coincidentally poking fun at gay folks. Coincidence, I'm sure. But personally, it highlights to me: 1) Never ever trust anyone you're chatting with online. It might be an outlet, or a way of expanding your world to you, but it could just be a game to uncaring others. 2) the power of bullying works both ways.

It all goes back to consistency. If you don't like it being done to others, don't do it yourself. Be prepared to apply your principles across the board: if you don't like seeing the white victims calling for the death penalty for the person they think killed their loved ones, be prepared to explain to the family of the man dragged to death in Jasper, Texas too, why they should accept a life imprisonment instead of the death penalty for the one who killed their loved one too.

Life is Tough.
You be Tougher.

Don't fall for any easy online campaigns, that a cynic might suspect are generated more to call attention to the organizer than for any lives they might save. (Again, I sure wish this particular campaign would pull -- today -- all of the videos and messages sent in by youth. They'll have their turn. It might save lives, if you let them know, "Kids, don't think that 'you'll show 'em all' by committing suicide and becoming a media martyr. You might get your face on the news, and everyone will be all sad when you're gone to see what ... the bullies did to you. But you'll be too 'dead' to enjoy your personal little victory...")

Teach them instead to be strong, to know that it's one thing to be killed, but another thing to deliberately choose to end their own lives. They hold that power. The person thinking of suicide. Don't let the bullies win. They will always be there -- those who understand the power of words, and work online to employ hate, in this direction or that.

Be Better than That.
Choose Life.

I know I'm just writing for me here. Nobody much links, and outside my own circles, I'm probably talking to myself. But if one person in media power gets this, how wrong it is to publicize Dan Savage, or a cheery but ineffectual campaign to end bullying via online videos, then maybe they'll stop reporting on the many many many kids who kill themselves -- for a variety of reasons -- every year.

My wish for Savage is that he understands that what worked for him -- no real education, no real job outside of being a sex advice columnist and professional homosexual -- is not what today's kids need. Sure, it got better for you. But for the rest of them?

They have to get beyond their sexuality, and get educations. Think about where, and how they're going to work, and support themselves. And potentially, their own families. It's wonderful you found a rewarding path doing what you do. I know you indeed mean well, but how many self suicides will be encouraged by this art project? Leave the kids out of it. Let the local role models -- teachers, coaches, religious people, parents, the ones who really know and love them, at a day-to-day level -- be there for them honestly, and help them get through life, just as these types of people have for generations.

There's a reason that in nature, mothers often teach young ones to hide, not to draw attention to themselves. They're simply more vulnerable as prey. You might not like it, might want everyone -- even kids -- to be out and proud and attention seeking as all get out. But at what price?

Personally, I'd much rather have an unsatisfied, living child with me to grow up and make his adult decisions as an adult, than I would to have my boy's life and death publicized on a national news show. I suspect many think the same way...

Stick with teaching "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names can never kill me." Teach them the sin -- or the consequence, if you prefer -- of ending their lives much much too soon. Teach them of the power they have, and let them know of all the STRONG popular gay children, who used internal defense mechanisms like humor, and being themselves but still fitting into the group, to get by...


[Aside: Scott Millburn, a classmate of mine, was elected our junior high class president in 8th grade. He's out now, wasn't then, and I'm not privvy to say what was going on in his head as a boy. He was well-liked, by both boys and girls, but I do remember the occasional "fairy" teasing -- much like we teased the girl with "Gongo Congo" lips, way before the Angelina Jolie days; and we teased the boy who always wore dirty clothes; we teased on hairdos (mine, I recall, it was a hard hard day; tears were even involved), pretty much everyone got the angry hateful words directed their way at one time or another for being "different". At graduation though, we had all grown up a bit, and yes, there was a lot of love for each other in our small class, despite all the "hate" hurled on our way to growing up.]

Down deep, Savage knows he'll never stamp out bullying. He chooses to continue to engage in it, even as an adult, for the power it holds. Just leave the kids out of it for now. Sadly, I suspect that in many many places, listening to their own instincts about how to act, is much safer than trying to be a lightning rod for gay rights, when they really aren't ready to deal with the consequences.

No More Martyrs.
That's my hope.