Is Garrison Keillor on Drugs?

Prescription or not?

By Garrison Keillor August 9 at 3:33 PM

Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality.


Summer weather leads toward cranial relaxation and you know it and I know it. You walk out your front door into the heat and an 800-pound anvil falls out of the oak tree on your head and flattens you like a pancake. It’s the anvil you bought because it cost $150, which is a good deal for an anvil that size.

You put the anvil up in the tree because you didn’t want your wife to know. You already had two anvils, and it’d be hard to explain why a man requires three. And you walk under the tree and see the chain hanging down and you’re like “What’s this?” and you yank on it and your last thought on this earth is “Oh, for dumb.”

This is what 90 degrees can lead to. You go to the bus stop and a man in a yellow plaid sport coat sells you a house in Mexico for $6,000. A stucco house with a red tile roof: He shows you a picture. He swipes your credit card on his iPad and you board the bus and realize there’s no address on the deed. And it’s dated Aug. 10, 2106. And the taxidermy business he sold you along with the house, turning deceased pets into bronzed statues, how is that going to work if you can’t find the house?

And so a large contingent of people who sat way in back in high school history class and now need to blame foreigners for their lack of progress in the world have nominated a bloated megalomaniac for president, running on a platform of contempt and fantasy. It seems to make them happy, judging from the crowds who attend the gentleman’s performances.

I really think he needs to overcome his fear of Lyme's, and go for a nice solitary walk in the woods already.

Or buy a boat. Surely Garry can afford a boat by now, no?*

Down With Individualism
By Garrison Keillor August 3

Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality.

August already and I’ve so far avoided Lyme disease by staying indoors with the windows shut, and if I need to go someplace, I take the car. And I never offer rides to deer. Headaches, fatigue, painful joints, diarrhea, nausea, facial paralysis: It’s not worth it. If you need wilderness, Ansel Adams took pictures of it. And you won’t wake up the next morning feeling like you’re 87 years old. Unless, of course, you happen to be 87.

Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean we should be sitting beside a pond writing profound thoughts in a journal, like Thoreau. One of his profound thoughts was “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” And right there you have the campaign motto of the Republican nominee. He dreamed of being saluted by uniformed personnel other than doormen and chauffeurs, and now he’s advancing confidently in that direction.
...
A great many menopausal white men like myself have a problem dealing with smart, ambitious women. They like waitresses. Waitresses know this. They know not to make old men feel stupid, especially the ones who are. That’s the side the bread is buttered on.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said, “There’ll come a time when the love of country will trump hatred of Hillary.” We shall soon see if that time has come. Meanwhile, no matter what happens, I do not have Lyme disease. I intend to never have Lyme disease. It is preventable if we just follow a few simple rules. See Paragraph 1.

* Maybe he's afraid of fish bites? ;-)